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i miss everything

i miss everything about last fall... fuck the spring... fuck the summer... it was all fun don't get me wrong... but i can't cope with not being with her... falling asleep with her... or being able to know that she's there when i need her. I've lost easily the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I lost it all, because i could not appreciate anything, i was selfish and i was ignorant. Please remove this dead, rotting, filthy fucking feeling from the pit of my stomach.

Holy... Shit...

so it seems i was more torn up over last year than i thought. I think i should have ended things a lot sooner when i realized it was complete crap... she was just going to cheat on me any way at the first sign of any problems... and not let my self get sucked into a relationship and fall for someone that was not even half as in love with me as i was with them. it just really pisses me off to know that i was a rebound.. it seems no more than that and thats why everything started to go to crap... i wish it had ended before my birthday. i guess i'm completely selfish... i didn't used to be i guess i've turned into that though, and i'll have to try and work on that. either that or i shouldnt let anything said to me get to me on a personal level? it seems no matter when i talk to her or what we talk about... if we're civil or fighting i find my self nervous and depressed when we talk so i thought in the spur of the moment last night when i felt like freaking out and yelling and crying and basically felt like throwing a childish temper tantrum that i thought i'd tell her that i didn't want to talk to her for a while... which wasn't true i was just pissed... i need to get over everything i just do not want to let go... why i feel as though theres a shred of anything left between us is beyond me, but i have to just let it go... i've always had trouble with that... the only way i get over my last relationship is by getting into a new one, and it seems as though i've lost the natural ability to recover my feelings. Hopefully it will come back to me.... i hate sounding winey about a stupid relationship thats over now but its just the way i feel... i feel broken and i feel alone, and hurt, and... i dont even know... i feel like she needs to read this, because i'm a fucking human being... i'm different just like every one else and my feelings... emotions... what ever... they're insanely complex. Some sort of twisted depression hole concocted by some seemingly un controlable part of my brain. Thats the best way to describe what i feel. I really don't understand certain things... i'm not a bad person... i can say that with confidence that i'm a good person, but you somehow manage to bring out my bad side, and i dont know if its because i can't have you... or if its because you've hurt ME in the past a couple of times.... but its certainly something and it is you because its only brought on when i'm around and/or talking to you lately. i wasn't entirely like this until sometime in october or november. Don't get me wrong its me... i'm the flawed one here but... i don't feel like its entirely me thats to blame for the situation of me treating anyone... like a jerk, because a majority of people i treat damn well... it confuses me... because lately thats been declining... i need to get over my self but i just can not do it... it sucks... like i'm watching everything turn to shit around me and i'm stuck in a glass box clawing at everything hoping to effect the world around me in some way, but in reality i can actualy chose to affect what goes on i'm not trapped in some glass box, and i'm fucking everything up, but i FEEL trapped. i feel like i'm trapped in my self... i'm experiencing life go by and effecting it, but it's not me. It's just happening... its a huge endless cycle and i feel insane. This is my brain, and its messy... its un organized... its miss spelled, and its tired.

I really hope this is confusing, because thats the way my brain feels all the time...

Jan. 27th, 2009

Perfection is such a risky thing... either you see perfection in someone and they let you down or you become as perfect as you can at something and screwing up makes you feel like you fell off the sears tower. There's no way around it perfection is a giant risk, and no one can achieve it for very long.

The perfect person, perfect situation, and perfect job are all lies created by a gigantic false sense of security. One can not expect that perfection would last unless one is naive about said perfection. A human being is only as perfect as they can be for so long especially in a sensitive situation. There is absolutely no way for perfection to happen in terms of human interaction, and half of perfection as perceived by the human eye is a pleasant illusion constructed by false security or pleasure.

These are just my thoughts and observations on the subject of perfection.

Writer's Block: Found Objects

As the old saying goes, one person's trash is another person's treasure. What's the best thing—chairs, roller skates, old electronics—you've ever found that someone else had thrown away?
65%-85% of everything i own... including my guitar stuff and this computer :).

Jan. 10th, 2009





If I felt anything less I don't think I'd feel normal

Maybe tomorrow I can think clearly again

I feel as though my sanity is slipping through my fingertips

I have no thoughts left in my head to keep me occupied

I feel like a black hole of consciousness

My memory lacks any sort of structure, and all is falling apart around me

I am going insane

What the hell do i do about this?

Nothing is good enough for ANYBODY!

The title says it all... If all goes as is for the rest of my life. Expect an early grave... With me still kicking and screaming and gasping for air inside my coffin.
Got all my shit moved in... I feel horrible for Mike and Jenny... especially Mike actually given that he generally gets on my nerves it's odd. Its odd that life gives those who don't deserve anything the most and the rest so little... I for one deserve nothing... I have a generous amount of things and people who love me in my life at least I'd like to think its a generous amount. Some have even more than I, and they seem to focus on the shit that really does not matter in the slightest and think their life sucks monkey balls. Life is and forever will be until the end of time a state of mind.

The way one sees their life is in ones eyes and brain, and forever shall remain so because of this fact. Anyone that can read this post has a working brain and should consider them selves lucky. When one goes through life using only the power of the part of your brain that questions you start to question EVERYTHING even your subconscious questions EVERYTHING. There is no escaping it... it's a reflex. One doesn't control a reflex initially, but one can learn to control any part of your body by using your brain given that there isn't a permanent physical disability of the brain or body.

Chemical problems with the brain and body can mostly be controlled by the human brain almost entirely; however there needs to be an actual will to make said change. You control your life and the chemicals in your body with the brain by processing information and making a decision given the data your brain takes in. Sometimes a person does not even realize what's going on because it happens all the time. It's hard to control unless there is a conscious effort to do so. Yes that point will be made several more times, because it is something that needs to be re told. No one person is capable of making change unless they understand how to do so.

Some people seem incapable of conscious change or control. Shallow control is something almost any one can do: Quitting smoking, fixing an obvious personality flaw that causes emotional pain, and even anger outbursts can be "fixed" or "changed." Any way you put it it's possible, and sometimes people need to take time to them selves to do so.

To sum up all of this into one lump that's possibly easier to grasp. Irrational decisions are not excusable, because everyone with a conscious working brain can choose what decisions are actually necessary. If one gives up on most things in life, because they can not process something and make an intelligent, rational decision.... maybe they should try thinking instead of acting on impulse.

Whoa man

I've had a crazy couple of days. Fights, getting sick, fucking up at work, and now I'm home. 3 main things I'd like to highlight... I LOVE my girlfriend Kayleigh Anne Stabler :-D, I love my friends, and I HATE being sick. Oh what a life... life... life is amazing and shitty at the same time it's fascinating, and yet so simple.

Tonight's plans.... Chill, Shower for work before I go to bed so I don't have to worry about doing it before work, coffee with Chera, come home and play guitar, then sleep.

I shall update again either tomorrow or tonight. Peace bitches.



Blah update... I don't really have anything important to say... I like my job and I love my girlfriend. My friends are awesome... ummm I guess thats it. If i have any real updates anytime soon I shall post.

Life is a trip

I was supposed to be updating this thing more often and have been failing. I kinda feel weird today... and itchy. Life is pretty good and I need to start recording music. I work tomorrow... woo hoo... at least my job isn't bad. I just don't feel like going to work this week because my schedule is kinda stupid. I absolutely love my girlfriend... I'm sure I love her more than most people love things they love... I love her more than dick cheney loves shooting lawyers in the face. I could never ask for anything or any one more amazing or more beautiful than her.

I think I need to stop being so hung up on the fine details of what makes life or what lifes purpose is and just start living and having fun.